173 - Communication breakdown!

(Mis)adventures in de-escalation...

“Some people have a way with words.

Other people…

(big pause)

…not…have…way…?”- Steve Martin

At a workshop a while back, a student asked about types of communication and things to say and not say in threatening situations. Here's part of that conversation expanded upon in the form of a few thoughts.

Before anything else, we need to remember that not all situations can be deescalated. Some people are determined to harm and words are just a delay in what they have planned.

Self defence training generally looks at this perhaps more than other situations because then it is commonly believed that the trainee is prepared for an extreme encounter and can downgrade the response for less dangerous threats.

For example, your counters to a stranger attempting to stab you will be more forceful than your response to a drunk relative at a wedding reception – hopefully, though depends on the relative I guess…

Problems can start though when these worst case scenarios are all that training looks at and the complexities of possible incidents are ignored and this is what I'll touch on here.

A great deal of the time in some defensive systems, confrontations are shown as predatory. Either resource driven, for example street robbery or process driven like sexual assaults or stalking threats.

There are, however, situations that can develop in different ways due to the person you view as the threat being desperate or distressed in some way.

For instance:

Mentally ill and looking for confirmation of ideas is predatory but...

Mentally ill or very distressed and being completely mishandled by others is not.

Highly stressed, running out of options and feeling threatened is not.

Yes, these last two situations could be generalised superficially as “Anti – social behaviour” but it isn't as clear cut as that.

The cause may not simply be a deliberate intention to harm but could be due to feeling hopeless or desperate and unable to problem solve out of a worsening situation that others don't seem to understand or care about.

Daily interactions are changing and it’s not hard to see that there is a mental health tsunami coming in society - far worse than we’ve previously seen.

You will encounter more and more people who, due to effects of lockdowns, job loss, evictions and other personal disasters may find themselves in a flashpoint situation with you and/ or others.

As health services are cut back or even cancelled, there will be those whose access to treatments and medications fall through as well as having support withdrawn, leaving them in very vulnerable situations in the community.

Where can these types of interactions and situations happen?

-          Workspaces are an obvious one, where you are coming into contact with the public in the form of clients as well as other types of people.

-          People getting involved in events that are happening around them wherever that is – the well meaning passer by for instance.

-          In the home – an escalation of events from a friend or family member being ill or highly stressed.

Your interaction with these types of people can be experienced completely differently by them in direct contrast to how you experience it.

You can appear so threatening to them that they feel they are defending themselves from you if you present ambiguous or poorly chosen communication within the context of the event.

Work place one:

Many years ago, while working in London, I had a call that there was an argument going on between a council block resident and workmen over work noise. The block was being refurbished and the resident in question didn't welcome being woken at 8am by drilling noises outside his front door.

My job was to go down and smooth things out. I could hear the yelling from around the corner when I got there and there was the resident – mid-twenties, big, tattoos and in just track suit bottoms and bare feet – up in the face of a workman ready to fight.

Still only one coffee into my already crap day, I opened my mouth...

“What's the problem?”

The resident turned with wide staring eyes and yelled,

“what da fuck you mean - what's MY problem, cunt?”

He was then immediately bouncing on his toes towards me, eyes like saucers and arms splayed ready to scrap. It took an Oscar winning display of diplomacy and concern for his plight to turn that moment around. Work was delayed, he was happy, things were smoothed out.

“I’d like to thank the academy…”

But that was an important lesson that stayed with me, that what I said and what people heard could sometimes be two completely separate realities.

“…THE problem” was heard as “YOUR problem”.

Work place two:

I had to tell a staff member who was talking outside to a friend that he was needed back inside as a delivery had arrived.

Friendly, respectful but we need some help here...

He came into the premises completely enraged and ready to fight (full thousand yard stare, pale faced and shaking voice) yelling that I had “belittled” him in front of others.

This wasn't the case but this particular guy had been long term street homeless up until a couple of days prior and any perception of telling him what to do registered in a COMPLETELY different way to him.

This was loss of face not to be the boss at all times – a “dis” in front of others which in some circles will have highly aggressive consequences due to the weakened position it shows.

This was a homeless project and not a standard commercial business - there was a major disconnect between the demands of the job and the reality of the personal situations of the workers that wasn’t often accounted for by management.

Seeing me stand my ground in front of the other staff stating that I wouldn't do that in a calm way and explaining that everyone else needed his help was the key to dialling down his emotional state.

These are just two situations that I can recall of the many times I’ve managed to dig myself out of holes that my less than optimal communication has gotten me into or just having been misread by someone. Neither needed force or the threat of it.

Video example:

This video sprang to mind as another good example of things heating up through poor communication with someone who is highly stressed:

https://odysee.com/@OneInOne:e/communication-failure:8?r=7F7KgjeK96VfPWrLedTrA1QnVapnKcze

There's no “before” part as is often the case in found videos,  so I can't tell if this is just a highly stressed man being rail-roaded towards the police or someone that's already threatened/ harmed others. The presence of workers and another member of the public at the desk who haven't fled would suggest the former. One of them is, of course, filming on the phone.

Where is this happening? It has the soulless look of a job centre type location.

“Up” phrases like “Better” on the walls give the (perhaps false) impression of a happy environment – if you're not happy too then YOU must be at fault!

A bit like when a faceless, corporate office's answering system plays Chris Rea's “On the beach” and leaves you on hold to diffuse you so that you sound really unreasonable when someone finally answers your complaint!

The front desk looks more like a barricade with concessions to human interaction in the form of occasional screens.

The women at the desk are going back to work while this plays out – so this situation is possibly a daily occurrence.

The man is posturing and striding out, possibly he's heard the police are here etc and doesn't want to show fear but ….is showing fear.

He's highly emotional.

Facing six surrounding officers – think about the differences between police tactics and public right there....back up from 5 others!

Right there is an intimidation factor alone that a public member can never have.

Overwhelming force to guarantee compliance.

A timeline has created this situation and then “alpha” commands and finger pointing are actually just confirming a threat to someone rather than getting them to listen and comply.

Verbal judo and command presence are a good start, but you need to actually act as if you care to listen.

This might help rather than surrounding the person and the biggest guy pulling a taser while shouting “Calm down!”

All this while dressed in black...and encroaching.

You're very unlikely to get compliance from a highly aggressive or adrenalised person – these issues must be managed first before moving on to a second agenda. And that's a lot of issues before you reach “calmed down”.

The verbal message is defeated by the visual one.

If it were a situation of an armed man, a command like “Drop the weapon!” is much clearer and more unambiguous as an example of communication. There is no disconnect for the person hearing it. Comply now.

Here, the physical messaging just didn't back up the words.

But what about the other side of this situation?

From the position of an outsider looking in at the possible viewpoint of the police, why would they be interested in being ambushed, caught out and injured/killed at work today?

Long hours, feel undervalued? Taking abuse daily? Policy? Prior experiences... can all add up. And it's ironically the flip side equivalent of what the other guy is feeling.

They will risk little or nothing and fall back to strong options to finish the problem as quickly and with as little personal risk as possible and be able to return home that night having finished work.

In the video there seems to be a reliance on kit (taser) over any other tactic and then, the weapon doesn't work!

Classic response to the sight of the weapon pointed at you - “Go on then , Shoot me!”.

A business owner friend was telling me about a late-night street disturbance in our town that was answered due to a lack of local police by an armed response team that happened to be passing.

A mundane drunk argument between two couples. Both men backed down straight away at the sight of the officers approaching them while one of the women just started shouting:

“Well come on then – shoot me! What are you gonna do??!!”

In this video, everyone is fast being painted into a corner.

Having deployed the Taser, de-escalation is going to be quite tricky now having established that level of trust...there’s only compliance by threat of force left.

Sad dramas play out between these two subjective realities.

But that's a police response and not a member of the public’s (me and maybe, you…) response or set of concerns.

It's important that we should never confuse the two and look at out of context ideas as an answer to our civilian solutions to personal safety.

In the UK as an everyday person, you are not allowed to carry weapons or to use them to get compliance to your demands!

If things are not going your way you're generally expected to leave and avoid conflict.

You will most likely be on your own – even if you're not – you probably might as well be when trouble kicks off!

So what can we glean from this that's useful?

Firstly, whatever the reason for the threat you feel it doesn't change your basic decision to defend yourself if someone tries to assault or harm you but it can make you more aware of:

-          Possibly making their threat level to you increase due to your actions and communication.

- You need to achieve some kind of ability to communicate with an adrenalised or distressed person first before you can achieve compliance.

-          If this was you, would you be able to see how, to others, your perceived state could deny you options of a more positive solution?

All those “uncool” ideas that don't sell self-defence courses like:

communicating, being intuitive, active listening, emotional intelligence or maybe just showing a bit of respect and kindness toward someone who, despite how they are acting, may just be really suffering in some way become tickets to... possibly, a much cooler outcome for everyone.

As far as your range of tactics goes, perhaps it's just like the saying goes, if you've only got a hammer… all you see is nails.

Questions, comments? Drop me an email.

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