352 - Mailbox: Why have some men never felt unsafe?
A reader responds to the article "Tough guys".
Copyright © 2023 by Jeth Randolph
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Question regarding the original post Tough Guys
Mailbox question
“I am curious about your thoughts on this, though: I have come across a number of men - not particularly big, tough, or trained - who say they have never or rarely experienced a sense of being unsafe, that walking alone anywhere at any time has never given them cause for concern.
What is that? Naivety? Lack of awareness of potential scenarios narrowly avoided?
Or something about them that just isn’t interesting to would-be attackers? Like the fact that they don’t look particularly big or tough, but they don’t look particularly vulnerable, either?”
Jeth: Thank you for this question.
I can only answer this subjectively (like a lot of things) based on what I've seen and experienced rather than an academic whitecoat viewpoint. And I would personally trust the former over the latter any day of the week.
The UFC related post was about how much fight an elite combat athlete can experience from a presumed unskilled and smaller assailant and have a nightmare time dealing with it.
In “Tough Guys” I'm talking about a total lack of understanding in some guys about what some people are willing to do to you and the lengths they will go to do it.
They're not interested in a scrap in the traditional sense, they want to harm you to suit whatever the agenda is. From inter-personal aggression to a world full of unexplained accidents and events or even mysteriously funded “colour revolutions” - this is how things really work.
NOTHING is off the table in terms of options for aggression and straight ahead fighting is often the last thing some will bother with.
Location, location, location…
Back in the mundane world of ordinary violence, the seemingly lucky males that you mention may lack the understanding or experience of the difference between one type of environment and another.
Luck?
Simply having never been in the right place for the wrong people to find them perhaps?
If you've never been anywhere “challenging” and the experiences you get to enjoy there, some will laugh at people that have lived in such places who talk about bad things happening and try and see some other cause – something THEY must have done wrong to bring events on themselves etc.
Maybe the guys you spoke to were real life hard asses with zero fucks to give but I’m guessing not.
There are plenty of places where no one, no matter how personally secure, would choose to walk without superior force options – numbers and/ or weapons. These places are not far away, they are just in that part of the community that one may not know or choose to know.
For some, this is their own home.
People that come and train with me do so for real reasons and already get the content and where it’s coming from.
Fear
I find it interesting from time to time though, when occasionally local people come for a workshop and then proceed to resist the nature of the training and can't relate what I'm telling them with what they see out of the window.
They wrongly assume that my life experience is based in THIS environment rather than others and that I'm exaggerating. I do admittedly have a head on swivel from my past but that is normal and as a result of it.
I see a lot of stuff that others just don't. I’d ironically never thought of my experiences as particularly abnormal as they were very normal for the places that I’d lived in. It was only when seeing the reactions of some people that I’ve talked to later in life and also since becoming a father, that I started to reconsider this, which is a lesson in itself as to how accustomed an average person can be made to poor surroundings and their inhabitants.
But that is the reason that I do this as frankly otherwise, I could find something that provides a reliable income!
It’s certainly true that many don’t want to see or understand ugliness – surprisingly even when they’ve paid for you to share exactly this and that is something I've written about elsewhere.
But it’s the only way to be true to oneself and also be honest in the information shared to others. A realistic set of options it seems, is not what some want, rather a set of psychological comforters.
Some may not wish to admit that these things happen as they are scared inside somewhere but simply would never admit it.
You are asking as a woman which can be a silent factor as some males may have difficulty in answering honestly for fear of being seen by you/others/themselves as weak.
Communication
Men do not need to be big to be left alone.
Some men give off certain “leave alone “ cues. Ways of holding themselves, ways of acting. This is why street rep is such a valued currency to some – it is a pre-emptive defence, whether fake or real.
But that can be luck of the draw on any given day. One individual looks at them and choses someone else.
The same situation but a different aggressive individual would have no hesitation in trying something.
Being outnumbered will increase the scope of the potential menu choices in most cases. As will weapons.
The green light
You ask specifically about men, but I've talked with both men and women that said they consistently got shit from people they had been polite to or friendly with. This is a huge green light to some bullies. And this conversely becomes very difficult to deal with by the target person as it would mean fundamentally changing their character – which is a pretty sad thing, but that is how the world really is in many ways.
Not everyone, but a great many individuals it seems to me, simply look at others and think “what can I get from you without risk?” The world has been made transactional and that, I guess, is the result.
It doesn't matter if it's a “good” area etc. It happens everywhere and only the statistical prevalence of it really seems to be a factor (if you trust those).
The impulse is there wherever you are and it doesn't take much of a scratch at the surface to see it in it's various forms.
Appearance
When I was a kid until I was a young adult, I had other kids routinely bully or attempt to bully me as well as occasionally, older people.
When I was a young man, I would get aggression for looking different and having long hair.
When I cut my hair off, I tended to get less hassle around here (in the city this is NOT the case)– I was physically the same, but the hair must have been a signal of less risk to others that wanted someone to pick on.
People also hate others that don't seem to be conforming in some way and that they deserve aggression for it.
I also received the most unwarranted hassle from police during this time.
When I had a shaved head – I was left alone.
When I grew my hair again – problems started again from time to time. You get spoken to a certain way and I was targeted for robbery during these times.
If I wear a suit people smile at me and are pleasant, when I’m out in jeans and a t-shirt, I’m treated differently or ignored.
Now I am older and still currently have long hair and have written about several times locally when things have happened.
I believe that certain looks rather than just physical attributes give signals of suitability for victimisation. Maybe you're a “hippy” and won't fight back or it signals some sort of position in the official or indeed, unofficial social stratification in the mind of a potential aggressor.
Rich men get admired then resented and robbed.
Homeless men are looked down on, vilified and beaten up for fun.
Just two examples from a whole spectrum of types and reasons
Whatever the reason, I don't feel that it's as simple as being tall / strong / trained etc to be left alone.
Being big and strong helps no doubt.
It can also make you a status gaining challenge.
Advertising that you’re trained may well make things very much worse in some cases.
The notion of “being trained” means little either. That's simply how people sell you bullshit DVD’s and courses to believe it'll make you safer.
Rather, it is a visible energy that will be read coming from you that at a distance you may have looked easy but on closer inspection you give risk vibes and that only comes from personal intent.
A subtle emanation of will.